Some of you may know that I am very transparent about my life. Some of you appreciate this fact and I'm sure others don't. Maybe some think it's a bad idea and still, some more may have turned off getting my journal posts. I have a few skeletons that I keep locked up and will only let out after I know that you are a true friend. But, for the most part I am very open about how I feel, how I look at life, and the things that happen in my life.

As some of my friends know, I recently separated and will be divorcing from my wife of 10 years. I moved out 2 1\2 months ago but the love had been lost for quite some time. I went though some rough times at the end. Again, as some of you may know I took a road trip to southern Utah to do some soul searching. When I returned I decided to get busy living or get busy dying....so much so that I had it tattooed on my arms as a constant reminder to not let things like fear and apprehension rule my life.

So, there was a woman that intrigued me and I decided to be somewhat bold and ask her on a date. She was very shy and reserved but something about her made me want to look past that and discover who she was. I'm very glad that I did because she is without a doubt one of the most genuine and innocent souls I have ever had the chance to know. She seems to have remained untouched by the effects of the sometimes crazy world around us. I truly believe she would never in three lifetimes set out to intentionally hurt another human being. She is honest and true, thoughtful and kind and is one of the few that had no interest in getting caught up in the dramas of life.

I will miss her. Tremendously. My heart is aching right now, and I never expected it to hurt this bad. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this and it makes me realize how deep my feeling had grown for her. I was, without a doubt, falling in love with her. I am very careful about how I use the word love and I know that to be in love with someone takes time and a host of other things. But I can say without a doubt that the spark of love had been ignited in my heart and it would have only been a matter of time before the flames engulfed my heart and soul.

This past Sunday we went to Mt. Rainier and it was such a wonderful day. Today I look back and realize that this day was when the true spark was struck in my heart. I have thought long and hard to myself about the possibility that I was rushing into things and the feelings I was experiencing were out of being lonely.

The truth is plain as day to me now as I sit here in so much pain over losing her. And, that truth is that I wasn't rushing into things. My feelings were genuine and the way that I felt about her were more then just being with someone new or the feeling of infatuation. People don't hurt and cry over losing someone they are infatuated with. I feel this way because I grew deep, personal emotions towards her. The time we spent together was filled with moments that drew us closer together and I am still having trouble understanding how much this hurts right now. I'm usually a pretty closed up and a hardened man...and this is just breaking me down.

In the end, I couldn't offer her what she has had hopes and desires about. I understand why it had to end when it did, but it sure as hell doesn't make it hurt any less.

Thanks for listening.

The motion is moving me up and down.
I'm trying to keep from running aground.
The fog has been lifting, as I have been drifting,
Through waters that bring the lost to be found.

The rocks are emerging on every side.
Trying to give me a reason to hide.
The waves begin calling, but I resist falling,
Into the familiar receding high tide.

The clouds are creating an ominous wall.
Hiding in laughter my last port of call.
Yet I raise my sail, for I will prevail,
Over all the mistakes that have caused me to fall.

As the sun burns away the covering mist.
A feeling of hope begins to exist.
That which was void, is completely destroyed,
Leaving feelings of her in my mind to persist.

A peace has replaced this once vacant hole.
It runs through my body, it runs through my soul.
It envelopes the fear, that she won't be here,
To fill in the absence by making me whole.

"The only way to truly know someone, is to know their deepest and darkest secrets; what they would admit to only themselves."

Name that quote....

I had to make a journal feature not only for this image but for the amazing *jazstereo. She is my absolute favorite self portrait artist on DA and I think one of the best that is out there. Her ability to mesmerize the viewer with her expressions is dangerous...you will suddenly shake your head and realize that you've been staring at your monitor for a loooong time. Her photography screams originality and creativity and her emotions seem to just spill out in every photograph. You have to take a look...you will be glad you did.

*jazstereo <---------------CICK IT

I wanted to take a moment and return the favor of a multi-talented artist, Eric. He has done several features of me and has brought quite a few people to my page. So as a way of saying thank you....


Great framing and composition. An excellent job of displaying the beauty of the model and the surrounding environment.


Amazing originality and creativity. Awesome colors and again using the model and the surroundings to create a very emotive image.


An amazing capture of a beautiful model. Knowing when to press the shutter release is important and this image shows that Eric has an eye for a great image. This shot is really a compliment to the model because it shows her in a true, relaxed way.


Amazingly beautiful photograph. Taking pictures is easy, creating beautiful images is a different story. In this shot Eric has done this by taking an image that displays the beauty of the female body by beautifully framing and composing the model.


Like I said, multi talented. I love the textures you can feel in this drawing and he did an amazing job of showing emotion with this creation.